Depression (2009)

2/11/09

Depression is something that comes to me unannounced, and totally out of the blue. Catches me offguard. I get these bouts every now and then. It's funny because many times my life is a pile of shit where nothing goes right, but I still don't get depressed. And then, all of a sudden, it hits me hard when I least expect it - when things aren't exactly that bad.

I wonder if it all bottles up inside me. And then releases itself when it reaches a certain threshold. And then any little incident triggers it off.

But whatever the mechanics behind it, it is just pure evil when it strikes.

I don't feel like eating, talking, going out, watching movies, listening to music, even thinking. I just lie in one spot. And sulk. It's even more irritating when I don't know the exact reason for it. Normally, I am a very optimistic person. No matter what the problem or how big or small, if I know it, I always manage to avoid depression by busying myself in thinking up ways to solve it. But when I don't even know the reason, there remains very little to do about it. Which results in a lot of frustration.

I don't even know what triggered it this time, or how long it will last. But it's definitely arrived again - unannounced and unexpected like every time. Now everything looks like crap and I feel no humor even seeing my neighbor's funky red underwear in the laundry room (which I did a few hours ago). Not a laugh, or a smirk. Not even a slight smile, let alone a grin.

Man, I hate these times. I hope it gets over soon. I know the trail now. It will remain like this for a few days, then it will turn into anger and frustration. Then I'll probably lose my temper on someone. Then feel guilty, regret it and apologize. Then get yelled at by that person. And then slowly, within a day or two, be back to my normal self.

I can't wait to be yelled at. :(