Procrastination (2008)

11/29/08

I have so much to do. Some is due today, some is due on coming Monday, the rest was due a week ago. I have so much to do.School's ending in a couple of weeks. I am leaving Arizona in a couple of weeks. I have temporary residence in California for 2-3 weeks. I don't know what I am doing after that. I have so many obligations. So many responsibilities. I should be worried. I should be frantically doing something about it. Worried, I am. Doing something about it, not so much. Where is the hope? Where is the excitement? Where is the gut-wrenching fear?

It's just depression. Hopelessness. As if whatever I do, it would be a waste of time. Ironic that I am not doing something because I think it is a waste of time. And instead, I am wasting time.
I see my unmade bed, papers strewn all over the room, dirty floor.. I should start with the floor. I need to vacuum. I need to get the vacuum cleaner from the RA. But I need to email her first to set up a time to pick it up. RA may not be there because of Thanksgiving break. Then I'll need to wait for her response...

Just thinking about this makes me want to crawl into a dark corner and stay there. Screw the vacuum.

I should make my bed. I need to change the sheets. All sheets are dirty. I should do my laundry. I need quarters for that. I have no cash at hand. I'll need to go to a store 5 minutes walk away, take out cash from their ATM, ask the lady to exchange some for quarters. Hope that she is in a good mood and obliges...

Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head against my desk. Screw the unmade bed.

I should maybe start with cleaning up all the papers. I need to sort them all out into courses. I need to throw the useless ones in the recycle bin 2 minutes walk away from my room. I need to organize the useful ones into their folders. I need to collect the papers first. I need to get up to do that...

Just thinking about it makes me want to scratch my face until bright red bleeding cheetah marks appear all over it. Screw the papers.

Time is passing by. I see each minute disappear from my life as I stare at the little clock at the bottom corner of my screen. Half day has gone by. Two-thirds of the long weekend has gone by. I had important plans for this weekend. I had a list. I haven't checked off anything from that list. I have added a few more things.I am going to pull back from my desk now. Lie back in my swivel desk chair. Close my eyes. Give a push on the floor with my toe. Rotate for a few minutes...